I shouldn't be blogging right now, shouldn't be online at all actually. Just thought I'd take time out to remember this day. I'd title this post; "Radical grace". Would obviously be and is based on one of the numerous things I learned today. (One other lesson would definitely be maintaing a healthy sleeping pattern) I learned about grace, grace that's radical. Grace that's unseen, belittled, grace that's now smaller than it's intended size. Grace that shattered my sin, my guilt and my shame to unimaginably tiny fragments, or better yet, grace that rid me of them. Grace. Amazing.

Swimming in assignments, and I manage to sleep over Noah's house in the middle of the week. lol. Just needed to get out of the house really, even though I'm always out anyway. I keep running away from home, figuratively speaking. Maybe it means something? No, I'm sure it does.

Oh well, I've been learning how to be spritually minded and not carnally minded. I gotta admit, it's working. Something hit me during the Hillsong men's conference, adn it was the power, and the revelation behind Pastor Kacey's words. The flesh doesn't produce a great life. He also went on about how a carnal mind produces a carnal life, and a carnal life produces death. On the other hand, there's the spiritual mind = spiritual life = life. Well those simple principles have really helped me make correct decisions. (There are still the wrong ones. of course) Praise God. Prayer life's been upped, same as reading, eating off His word. I can already feel life simulating through my veins! I know it's good. It really motivates me to do my assignments, always brings me back to the passion that started my studies of graphic design, and it really motivates. Whenever I get weary or sick of it, God's ever so strong and Almighty. He put me here, so He'll help me get through, only if I'm willing, I know, and yes! I'm ready for another year of graphic design... *gulps*

My cold isn't as bad now, but it left me with an itchy throat, and a blocked left nostril. I should really catch some z's, but I feel the need to write something. Anything really ..

I want to write a bout a certain man/boy, whatever he wants to call himself. He's a man to me. I look at you and I feel embarrassed that I could even dare complain. How do you do it? Hearing you vent out your inadequacies and mistakes inspires me. I don't know how, but it does. I still remember the significant moments years ago, when you gave up everything to be loyal. I guess that was the first step to showing love. See, you do show love. Though you say I'm wrong, you can and do love. Even if you think it's insufficient, it may be, but I guess it's just enough to give you another chance to give a little bit more .. well, I guess that drive to my house at 1.30am wasn't extremely needed, but I know you agree, that it would've been better. [= Always here to *cough* listen. *cough* Ha! You're amazing. Oh, and here's to another one! *raises imaginary champaigne glass* [=

Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

Poor me, always looking for affection and love somewhere else. Just finished chatting to a good friend just then, about meeting up and lunches and dinners, the shebang. Here I go again though, scraping up every bit of courage I have to be a good friend, and know that I won't be getting back what I expect. I know some would say, even myself, to not be so cynical 'cause what I expect will probably be what I end up with. But it's true, those close to me have drifted apart 'cause of relationships, and here I am, poor ol' Yan that needs some lovin'.

There are endless things that I want in a friendship, especially those that I consider close. Probably the most important, is that I want them to want me without them knowing that I want that. Sounds selfish no? Let me paraphrase that; I want them to desire to get to know me, Yan. 'cause I have things to hide, such big secrets that have ultimately resulted in who I am right now, at this moment of time and so I guess I just want people to want to get to know me, 'cause I feel so stupid when I reach out and look so desparate. But I push myself to reach out, even though I won't get anything back from those who I expect from. It's my tactic, my game face in this life. To get noticed, to be someone that matters, to be someone that people would like to get to know ..

And then there was God. Whom created me. Where the law would've killed me, His grace, Jesus, ran in and saved the day. Saved my life really .. *sigh* I'll end this with a prayer, in the form of a song. Wait, fuse worship into it. Have a great day, oh and this is our secret okay. ;]

When the darkness, fills my senses,
when my blindness, keeps me from Your touch ..
Jesus come.
When my burden, keeps me doubting,
when my memory, takes the place of You ..
Jesus come.

And I'll follow You there ..
to the place where we meet,
and I'll lay down my life,
as You search me again ..

Your unfailing love,
Your unfailing love's over me again ..

Ang damot mo, give me back my mp3, and don't ever ask me for anything again. Whatever. How dramatic can you get? Seriously, you're such a fool. As my girl Lauryn would vocalize; I get out. I get out of all your boxes. You can't hold me in these chains. I can't be victimized no more, oh let my Father's will be done.

*sigh* I kinda hate it that I don't want you around, I don't know if I love you. I know I'm ashamed of you, because I know who you are. I can't see past your filth. You were an answered prayer. But look at what you've gotten yourself into. Oh and for the record, your mp3 player sucks anyway. Mine's better.

Well on a much lighter, yet ironically weighty note; it was my 3rd time to lead Bible study tonight, and again, God's good. Farout, not even giving Him thanks right away .. sorry Lord. Glory to You. Thanks for using me tonight, especially with my friend by my side. More like a bro really. I wonder what God's gonna do in their lives? So young, and so passionate. Feels fulfilling teaching them even for like 15 minutes in McDonalds; makes me realize that it's one step closer to grasping what God has for their lives .. hold tight boys! [= Jeremiah 29:11. 'twas an honour serving you guys.

Back down here, don't you just hate it when all your grudges, dislikes or God-forbid; even your haterations all point back to how unhappy you are with yourself, or just the pain that you carry blurs your vision? Disables you to see them through the eyes of Jesus, to love them unconditionally, at all times. Don't get me wrong, I ain't depressed or anything, more like annoyed that I disobey God when He tries to disciple me, to ultimately lead to my restoration .. *sigh* Grow up Yan! Get a move on.

& again. Being someone that's easily inspired gets a bit inconsistent, well in my case anyway. *sigh* How I miss this place. It's almost been a year when I last updated this, and boy, have I gone through things. It's funny though, when I see the whole world in all it's wonder, everything that seemed huge in my life kinda just .. fades away.

Now that I think about it, I don't know what to say. I've changed a lot, I know that. God's really brought me through, I mean I still remember my blog when I turned 18, and now, 19 is only 2 months away. *sigh* It's funny when I blog, what I truly want to say never ever comes out, 'cause I always end up pausing to think about what I want to say, which results in a really cluttered table of thoughts .. oh well, life's full of surprises, as is this blog.

Shout out to a friend for staying up with me tonight. [= Got one advice for her, two actually; just dump him & let me escort. Hahaha. You know I'm kidding.